


Ineffable Engagement

by 9foxgrl



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is a damsel in distress, BAMF Crowley (Good Omens), Dubious Consent, Dueling for the Maiden's Hand, F/M, Female-Presenting Aziraphale (Good Omens), First Crusade, Historical References, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Other, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21868372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/9foxgrl/pseuds/9foxgrl
Summary: A misstep on Aziraphale’s behalf during a mission leads to an unexpected marriage to Crowley.It was all Gabriel's fault, and boy, they couldn't wait to throw that in his face.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 219





	Ineffable Engagement

**Outskirts of the Byzantine Empire -August 1095 A.D.**

How was she supposed to know this faction of Holy Knights believed women had no place on the battlefield?

She trusted Count Emicho with her true identity after their run in a small group of Turkish spies.

Then again, Gabriel had been the one who insisted that his new corporation be that of a female.

 _“A softer voice will reach the hearts of man on the battlefield.”_ The Archangel had said.

Gabriel didn’t anticipate Count Emicho stealing her ‘sacred sword,’ stripping her of her armor, forcing her to dress like a noble lady and locking her away in his castle.

“When I see that purple-eyed narcissist again…” grumbled the fair-haired woman as she paced her ‘prison.’ Her shoulder-length platinum curls bouncing with every step off her shoulders. “I’m going to tell him off! I’m a soldier, not a…a…damsel in distress!”

She looked at the door, wondering if she should just miracle herself out of there and far away from Count Emicho and his army.

But that would mean her mission was a failure. She was supposed to unite the Crusaders, so they would create a unified Holy Army and retake Jerusalem from the Turks.

 _'Damn you, Gabriel!_ ’ Aziraphale growled. _‘You can never let my missions be simple, can you!’_

Aziraphale was broken out of her thoughts by the arrival of two servants.

“My lady, Count Emicho, has requested your presence.”

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“Count Emicho has requested your presence in the dining hall, Lady Ezra.” The elder woman replied hauntingly as she led the angel to the dining hall. The meal service was long over, but Count Emicho was still holding court with his assembled officers.

Aziraphale couldn’t surprise the flinch as numerous lustful gazes fell upon her as she was escorted to the dais where the Count sat. In the back of the crowd, however, a demon shook in anger. He strolled into the crowd, changing his attire from that of a mercenary to one befitting a nobleman.

“And therefore, to the first man to swear fealty to me, I offer thee Lady Ezra’s hand in marriage.”

Marriage? To a human? To a human who would force her to bear his children? To bare Nephilim?

 _‘Oh God, I’m going to Fall._ ’ Aziraphale thought in horror. _‘Gabriel set me up to FALL!’_

The bachelor officers started to push each to get closer to the dais. Aziraphale made to run, but Count Emicho grabbed her arm and held her firm.

“You’d best stay put woman.” He growled. “I will ensure that you learn your proper place in this world.”

“Count Emicho, I challenge thee for the maiden!” a voice echoed.

The melee in front of the dais came to an abrupt halt as a tall nobleman strolled forward. His right hand clenched firmly around a barbed whip.

“Who are you to challenge me?”

“I am Sir Crowley, knight of the Southern Lands,” Crowley replied as he used a slight miracle to make the man loosen his grip on the angel’s arm and another to make the man rise to his bait and step down from his throne. “And you have something that is not yours to give.”

The duel was short but brutal. The demon took down the Count with ease. He was too limber for the mortal to strike at with his sword. And Crowley took great amusement to lash at the Count’s limbs and torso with his whip until he finally had the man disarmed and under his foot.

“Sir Crowley, the maiden is yours.” Count Emicho coughed.

Aziraphale had to restrain herself from jumping into the demon’s arms as she stepped down from the dais. The demon, however, held no restraint and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“Are you hurt angel?” Crowley asked as he looked for any injuries

“I’m fine. Let’s get out of here.” Aziraphale whispered back.

“Sir Crowley, Lady Ezra, please allow me to marry you.” Stated Peter the Hermit, a priest who led the People’s Crusade.

The two transcendent beings shared a quick look before meeting the glare of the Count, and several lustful glances that were still aimed at the angel.

“Thank you, Peter, we would be honored.”

The wedding ceremony was brief. Crowley grumbled the entire time as he all but dragged Aziraphale to the bedchambers that Count Emicho had been so gracious to lend them for the night.

“So, how exactly did you end up being put up for auction by one of your own?” Crowley asked curiously after he closed the door behind them.

“After we parted was in Rome, my last form was discorporated by bandits,” Aziraphale explained softly, missing the flash of anger that passed in Crowley’s eyes. “When I went to get a new one, Gabriel insisted on this mission that I take a female form…but when the Count saw me…he started raving that no woman had a place on the battlefield and imprisoned me here.”

“The bastard set you up,” Crowley growled.

Aziraphale nodded, but then grimaced at the sound of numerous arguing men outside their bedchambers.

“Good Heavens, why are they out there?” she groaned.

“They’re waiting to see if I will deflower you,” Crowley replied tensely as he caught snippets of conversations. “So, they can challenge me for your hand. You are very beautiful, after all.” 

Aziraphale’s face burned a bright cherry red as she squeaked. “Oh…”

Crowley’s carefully placed a hand on her hips and led her to the bed. He leaned in close, his lips brushed her ear, hot breath sending chills down her spine. Aziraphale swore to the Heavens she was going to discorporate just from blushing.

“I’ll be gentle, angel.” The demon vowed.

Later that night, Crowley slipped out of their bedchambers, making sure to toss the stained sheets from the bed in the face of the priest who married them before heading to the commander’s rooms.

He whispered to Peter that Alexius wanted the glory of conquering the Turks for himself. That no nobleman wished to take orders from a lowly priest. Just as Emicho had been the one to humiliate his men by making them fight for a maiden while waiting for the rest of the Crusaders armies to arrive.

He approached Count Emicho and his army and presented them with a goose that was infused with the will of the ‘Holy Spirit’ as a compensation for his bride. A few honeyed words here and a twisted miracle, there had the count’s men worshiping the waterfowl.

The ‘People’s Crusade’ would be led by Peter in the early morning to cross the Bosporus, where they would soon meet a bloody end.

And when Emicho went insane and started to massacre every town, he came across…well, what do you expect from a man who was duped by a demon pretending to be the Son of God and gifting his army with a demonic fowl?

Not that his angel needed to know this. He would let her enjoy the warmth of their marriage bed a little longer, and sneak her out of the Crusader’s reach for a few months.

Venice should be nice this time of year, and the Italians sure knew their way with wine.

**Heaven (Present Time)**

“So, you mean to tell me that you have been married to a demon…for nearly a millennium?” Gabriel gaped.

“We have you to thank _brother_ ,” Aziraphale replied. “If you hadn’t insisted that I join the first crusade as a woman, then I wouldn’t have been married off to Crowley. And if I hadn’t married him, I would have undoubted been forced by a human to bear a new generation of Nephilim.”

Michael eyed the other Archangel coldly. “You don’t say.”

Aziraphale crossed his legs and glared at Gabriel smugly. “Now was there anything else you three needed to speak to me about? Or should I continue with how Gabriel’s has practically thrown me into the arms of the demon with every mission he has personally sent me on?” 

“We’re done here,” Michael replied. “Principality Aziraphale, you may return to your duties on Earth.”

“Thank you.”

“And Aziraphale?”

“Yes?”

“If, by God’s mercy, you do bare a child with the demon Crowley…I call dibs on being their godmother.” Michael commented.

“WHAT?” Gabriel shrieked.

“I will keep that in mind.” The angel replied with a smile.

This would be something to amuse Crowley significantly, especially since Lucifer himself had already called dibs to be the godfather.

**Author's Note:**

> I did some research on the First Crusade and was shocked a Count and his army worshipped a goose supposed possessed by the Holy Spirit.  
> Sorry for the short duel, still working on writing fight scenes.


End file.
